The Halloween Truth Spell Read online

  The heels were Christian Louboutin. Even though I was sure I could buy a second hand car with the money I spent on these Louboutins, I’d fallen in love with them one night not too long ago. I had been watching Bridget Jones’s Diary, and suddenly was struck with a sort of existential dread. What if I never met my Mr Darcy? Of course, this existential dread was irrational, because I had already met my Mr Darcy. His name was Alder.

  No, Alder did not toss himself in the lake of his handsome estate in a fit of romantic longing, only to emerge with his little white shirt clinging to his masculine body. (I suppose no man is perfect.) But he was dashing and gorgeous and sweet, and he was completely desensitised to my absolutely eccentric friends.

  Anyway, I had found myself turning off Bridget Jones’s Diary, grabbing my laptop, and indulging in a little late night shopping to try to calm my nerves. I hadn’t planned on buying the heels, but here is the thing: they were shiny. Shiny! Mr Louboutin knew what he was doing when he slathered his shoes in iridescent glitter, that is for sure.

  I had suddenly found myself with my nose pressed up to the screen of the laptop, drooling over a pair of shoes I certainly should never buy but was going to anyway. When it came time to log in to PayPal, I half closed my eyes as I clicked ‘Accept,’ thinking the price of the shoes would feel less real if I was squinting. This, it turns out, was not scientifically possible. Alas.

  I had spent the next three days practically living at my mailbox, but Kayleen, the irritating mail lady, only brought me bills. And then they arrived—finally—late one afternoon. Alder was cooking pasta in the kitchen, because cooking pasta anywhere but there wouldn’t work, what with the stove being in the kitchen and all, and he kept asking me to try the sauce. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he had been replaced, that Mr Louboutin was now the main man in my life.

  The website had said, ‘The Iriza stiletto heel is inspired this season by the starry night sky of the Himalayas,’ and my shoes certainly were starry! The website had continued, ‘Crafted in iridescent Blush-colored glitter, it displays an asymmetrical opening that gives a glimpse of the arch of the foot.’

  I don’t know why you would want to give a glimpse of the arch of the foot, but maybe the arch of the foot was to modern day courtship as the ankle was to courtship back in the day? Maybe Alder would get a glimpse of the arch of my foot and become so overwhelmed with passion he would go mad with desire for me.

  “Alder,” I said, staggering into the kitchen as he continued to stir the pasta, “are you getting a glimpse of anything special?”

  “You’ve got shiny shoes,” he said politely.

  “Can you—um—see the arch of my foot?”

  He squinted. “I guess?”

  “Is it stirring you into a passionate frenzy?”

  “Sure,” he said, turning back to the pasta.

  So Mr Louboutin had exaggerated the importance of the arch of the foot, but he wasn’t the first man to let me down. And besides, my shoes were shiny, which was the thing of importance here.

  “Are you going to take those off for dinner?” Alder had asked as he plated up our food.

  “Why on earth would I take them off?” I said, just as I tripped and fell face first into the cats’ dinner. To make matters worse, my new skirt, which was a size too small, split, exposing my bottom to my startled husband and my two startled cats. I wasn’t even wearing cute underwear. I was wearing giant shapewear in the hopes it would suck in my stomach.

  “Maybe I should take the shoes off,” I had conceded.

  My thoughts returned to the present time and I realised Marina Mercer was tapping me on the shoulder. “Are you all right?” she asked, her tone dripping with concern. “You zoned out. I was about to slap your face. I thought you’d become hysterical.”

  “What happened?” I asked her, dazed.

  “The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.”

  The room spun. “How on earth did he get here?”

  “It was you.”

  “It certainly wasn’t. I don’t even like marshmallows.”

  Marina shook me gently. “It was the Halloween spell. Camino’s Stay Puft Marshmallow Man onesie has come to life. What’s more, he’s taken Camino’s book with her list of onesies.”

  It all came back to me. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man had loomed over us before running outside. “Of course,” I cried. This wasn’t good.

  Marina pulled me outside. We chased the creature down the road, Marina more successfully than I did, as she was wearing sensible shoes. “Why couldn’t you have just been selfish and wished for something for yourself?” I asked Marina as the Stay Puft stomped through somebody’s vegetables. “How do we get rid of this guy?”

  “We’ll make a huge hot chocolate and dump him in it.”

  I pulled a face. “Not funny. We need to figure out something fast before he destroys the town.”

  The Stay Puft disappeared into the distance. My blood turned cold. “Marina, what if the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man isn’t the only one of Camino’s onesies to come to life? We have to get back. Quick!”

  We made it to Camino’s house in record time. I was delighted to note that no more onesies were running down the street. This delight was short lived, as a giant cane toad hopped out of Camino’s front door.

  “Camino,” I called out.

  “I expect she’s still at the hospital,” Marina said.

  There was no answer, but the door was unlocked. We hurried inside Camino’s house to find Ruprecht huddled in the kitchen with a saucepan on his head and a whisk in his hand—the whisk he had clearly been using as a weapon. “Hello, Amelia. Nice shoes.”

  “Don’t we have more important things to talk about than shoes?” Marina snapped.

  “Of course not,” I replied. “These are Christian Louboutins.”

  “Can you walk in them?” Ruprecht asked, fascinated.

  “Not in the slightest.”

  Ruprecht nodded slowly. “I really feel as though these shoes were inspired by the starry night sky of the Himalayas.”

  “How could you tell?”

  “It’s obvious, isn’t it?”

  “Ruprecht, I’m surprised you care about silly things like shoes,” Marina said huffily.

  Ruprecht nodded slowly. “Quite by accident, Christian’s assistant was painting her nails red when Christian had the idea to cover the sole of a boring pair of shoes with red. Fascinating, is it not?”

  “No,” Marina said. “Camino’s onesies have come to life and many of them have escaped.”

  Ruprecht set down his whisk. “Indeed. Well, we must be careful in our attempts to capture the onesies. As Friedrich Nietzsche famously said, ‘He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.’”

  I raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

  “It means Ruprecht is boring,” Marina said. “Can we please stop talking about shoes or dead philosophers?”

  “What else is there to life?” Ruprecht asked, genuinely confused.

  Marina threw her hands in the air. “The onesies! The escaped onesies! We have to catch them before they do any damage. Sorry, we have to catch them before they do any more damage.”

  Chapter 3

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  I pulled my phone from my pocket and called Camino.

  “Amelia, I can’t talk now. I’m at the hospital.”

  “It’s urgent!” I said. “What was your heart’s desire for your onesies?”

  “My what?” She sounded distracted.

  “Your heart’s desire,
you know, for your onesies. What did you wish would happen to them?”

  “I want to get a contract from the military for my camouflage onesies,” she said. “And I was thinking of starting a little onesie shop.”

  I scratched my head. “Okay, thanks.”

  I was about to hang up, when she added, “My heart’s desire. Oh, I see what you mean. My heart’s desire would be that all my onesies would come to life.”

  I wasn’t sure if I hung up, because I dropped the phone. Luckily, it fell on the grass. I picked it up and put it in my pocket just in time to see a giant dingo chasing a giant rabbit down the road.

  Marina ran out the door. “Camino’s bedroom is full of them!” she screamed. “I was able to lock the door. But what if they get out through the windows?”

  I ran up to her and took her by the shoulders. “Listen to me!” I screeched. “All of Camino’s onesies are alive! Her deepest wish was that they would all come to life.”

  Marina’s face went deathly white. Her mouth opened and shut like a goldfish. I gave her a little shake. “We have to reverse the spell!” I screeched.

  “Yes! You had better hurry!”

  I let go of her and shrugged. “I don’t know how to reverse the spell.”

  Ruprecht patted my shoulder. “Never mind, Amelia.”

  “Ruprecht, Camino’s heart’s desire was that her onesies would come to life.”

  “That is readily apparent,” he said.

  Marina and I exchanged glances. “It wasn’t readily apparent to us,” I pointed out. “Do you know a spell to reverse this?”

  “I do not.” Ruprecht stroked his long white beard. “As Hegel said, ‘Everything depends on grasping and expressing the ultimate truth not as Substance but as Subject as well.’”

  “Well, for now we will have to try to contain the onesies in Camino’s house,” I said. “Did Camino ever give onesies to anyone else?”

  “She gave onesies to all of us,” Thyme’s voice said.

  I spun around. “What are you doing here?”

  “I saw a sleeping bag running past my house, so I called you. You didn’t answer, so I called Mint and we headed to your place.”

  “We overheard what you said about Camino’s heart’s desire,” Mint said. “Should we go home and lock up our own onesies?”

  “Yes, and I had better lock up the onesies at my place,” I said. “Camino gave me a goblin, a lemon-scented gum tree, and …” My mind went blank. “What onesies has she ever given you guys? We all have pumpkin onesies too.”

  Thyme tapped her chin. “A wombat, an echidna, and an Eastern Brown snake.”

  “And I have an emu and a poisonous blue bottle jellyfish,” Mint said. The two of them gasped and ran back to their cars.

  “Marina, you stay here and help Ruprecht. I have to contain the onesies at my place.”

  When I arrived back at my house, I did not at first notice any errant onesies, rather, I noticed the Ghostbusters theme music. I ran into the living room. “Could you turn that down, please?” I asked the house who was watching the second Ghostbusters movie. “Whatever happened to Barry?” I figured the appearance of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man had influenced the house’s choice of TV.

  I turned around to see a pumpkin on little black legs running from the room. To say I was creeped out was an understatement. I ran after it, wondering what I would do when I caught it. As it ran down the hallway, the house opened a door and the pumpkin ran in. The door slammed shut. “Thank you, Grandmother!” I called out to the house.

  The house wasted no time trapping another pumpkin in the room. I stood still, scratching my head and wondering what other onesies Camino had given me over the years. Now was not the time for my mind to go blank. I remembered the lemon-scented myrtle tree and some varieties of native Australian bushes.

  I took off my shoes and replaced them with sensible shoes, before running to the back door to look out the window. A row of onesie trees stood shoulder to shoulder. At least they were not moving.

  I was wondering whether I should entice them into the room with the pumpkins or leave them in my backyard where they seemed happy, when a deep guttural voice disturbed me.

  I swung around to see the most hideous creature I had ever seen. It was tall, thin, and humanoid, various shades of black and deep red in colour, and with ravenous red eyes. I gasped. I remembered Camino had given me a goblin onesie.

  The goblin emitted a bloodcurdling howl and lunged for me. Somehow, I nimbly ducked out of the way and sprinted down the corridor. The house opened the door, but the goblin did not go in. I ran into the living room, past Willow and Hawthorn running in the other direction. Thankfully, the goblin did not give them a second glance. I cowered behind the sofa.

  Seconds later, long bony fingers with green tipped fingernails edged over the top of the sofa. It was worse than any horror film I had ever seen. “Help me, Grandmother!” I screamed.

  All of a sudden, the Ghostbusters theme music played and the hands disappeared from sight, along with a sucking sound. I jumped up from behind the sofa to see the goblin disappearing into a Proton Gun onesie.

  I edged my way out from behind the sofa. I shook with relief, despite the fact I was unable to catch the Proton Gun onesie. It sure would have been useful.

  I wondered what other onesies Camino had given me over the years. Goblins, pumpkins, trees. Was there anything else? I ran into my bedroom and looked under the bed. Nothing. I looked in the en-suite bathroom and then in the main bathroom. No sign of living onesies in there either. Likewise, a search of the kitchen proved fruitless.

  “Grandmother, if there are any more onesies, would you please trap them in the room?” I asked the house. The Ghostbuster theme music struck up again, which I figured was the house’s means of responding in the affirmative.

  When I thought the onesies were suitably contained with the house guarding them, I hurried down my front path, but Kayleen chose this inopportune time to deliver a parcel. “Why are you running around like a lost duck in a thunderstorm, Amelia?” she said in scathing tones. “What’s the emergency?”

  I thought quickly. “It’s Halloween and I’m getting my costume ready.”

  Kayleen shoved a parcel at me. “Looks like you’ve bought more of those candles that you like.” She narrowed her eyes.

  “How do you know what’s inside the parcel?” I asked her. The company name wasn’t listed on the package.

  “They’re scented, obviously.” Kayleen looked me up and down and turned to leave, but immediately fell over a camellia bush. She picked herself up and brushed dirt off her knees. “Why is there a camellia bush growing in the middle of your concrete path? I thought they only grew in dirt. It wasn’t there before.” She aimed a kick at the camellia bush, but two branches reached out and grabbed her foot. She flew backwards.

  Kayleen jumped up. I thought she would be terrified and run away, but she appeared to be insulted. “This is your fault, Amelia.” She jabbed a stubby finger in my direction. “You put this Halloween camellia here to trip me up.”

  I shrugged. I left her ranting behind me and jumped over the side fence to Camino’s.

  “Can we trick the onesies into going over to my house? The house is containing some of mine in a room,” I said.

  “I think Ruprecht has them all contained now.” Marina pointed to Camino’s bedroom door, just as we heard a terrible sound overhead.

  It was the screeching of a giant bat as it flew away. “It must have flown up the chimney,” Marina wailed.

  “One of us has to go up on the roof and block the chimney,” I said. “Anything else that can fly will soon get up the chimney, and we can’t have them terrorising the town.”

  I called Alder and told him everything that had happened, while keeping an eye on the locked bedroom door. “Just how many onesies did Camino have?” I asked Ruprecht when I finished speaking with Alder.

  “Plenty,” he said with a big smile.

  “This is a terrib
le worry,” I said. “We can’t have these onesies running free all over town.”

  “It’s just as well it’s almost Halloween,” Marina pointed out. “The onesies could pass for Halloween costumes.”

  Camino’s bedroom door shook violently. “Help me push the sideboard across the door,” I said to Ruprecht.

  He simply stood there smiling and nodding and quoting Foucault to himself.

  “The stress is obviously affecting him horribly,” said Marina. “I’ll help you.”

  “We’ll need to barricade the window as well, but I’m not sure what we can do. Hopefully, Alder will have an idea.”

  The front door opened. I hurried out to see who it was, hoping it was Alder, but it was Camino.

  “I have something to tell you!” she said urgently.

  “And I have something to tell you!” I countered. “Your onesies have come to life.”

  A big smile covered her face. She clasped hands with delight. “That’s wonderful!”

  “No isn’t, Camino,” I said sternly. “You’ve made onesies in the shape of redback spiders, cane toads, bats, kangaroos, dingos, rabbits, koalas, luminous green skeletons, goblins, various plants, pumpkins, candles, brooms, antique chairs, purple squids…” I paused to draw breath and added, “And Boy George.”

  Camino’s expression changed. Her hands flew to her cheeks. “How did it happen? What are we going to do?”

  “It happened because Marina wanted her yearly spell to grant you your heart’s desire for your onesies,” I began, but Camino interrupted me.

  “How thoughtful, Marina.” She enveloped her in a big hug. “Thank you so much.”

  I interrupted her. “We don’t know how to reverse the spell. I hoped Ruprecht could help us, but he doesn’t know either. Camino, who did you give onesies to, besides Mint and Thyme?”