Repossessed Read online

  Repossessed

  Funny Cozy Mystery

  Morgana Best

  Repossessed

  (Witch Woods Funeral Home, Book 6)

  Copyright © 2020 by Morgana Best

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN: 9781922420459

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The personal names have been invented by the author, and any likeness to the name of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  This book may contain references to specific commercial products, process or service by trade name, trademark, manufacturer, or otherwise, specific brand-name products and/or trade names of products, which are trademarks or registered trademarks and/or trade names, and these are property of their respective owners. Morgana Best or her associates, have no association with any specific commercial products, process, or service by trade name, trademark, manufacturer, or otherwise, specific brand-name products and / or trade names of products.

  Contents

  Glossary

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Connect with Morgana

  Also by Morgana Best

  About Morgana Best

  Glossary

  Some Australian spellings and expressions are entirely different from US spellings and expressions. Below are just a few examples. It would take an entire book to list all the differences.

  The author has used Australian spelling in this series. Here are a few examples: Mum instead of the US spelling Mom, neighbour instead of the US spelling neighbor, enrol instead of the US spelling enroll, realise instead of the US spelling realize, fulfil instead of the US spelling fulfill. It is Ms, Mr and Mrs in Australia, not Ms., Mr. and Mrs.; defence not defense; judgement not judgment; cosy and not cozy; 1930s not 1930’s; offence not offense; centre not center; towards not toward; jewellery not jewelry; favour not favor; mould not mold; two storey house not two story house; practise (verb) not practice (verb); odour not odor; smelt not smelled; travelling not traveling; liquorice not licorice; cheque not check; leant not leaned; have concussion not have a concussion; anti clockwise not counterclockwise; go to hospital not go to the hospital; sceptic not skeptic; aluminium not aluminum; learnt not learned. We have fancy dress parties not costume parties. We don’t say gotten. We say car crash (or accident) not car wreck. We say a herb not an herb as we pronounce the ‘h.’

  The above are just a few examples.

  It’s not just different words; Aussies sometimes use different expressions in sentence structure. We might eat a curry not eat curry. We might say in the main street not on the main street. Someone might be going well instead of doing well. We might say without drawing breath not without drawing a breath.

  These are just some of the differences.

  Please note that these are not mistakes or typos, but correct, normal Aussie spelling, terms, and syntax.

  * * *

  AUSTRALIAN SLANG AND TERMS

  Benchtops - counter tops (kitchen)

  Big Smoke - a city

  Blighter - infuriating or good-for-nothing person

  Blimey! - an expression of surprise

  Bloke - a man (usually used in nice sense, “a good bloke”)

  Blue (noun) - an argument (“to have a blue”)

  Bluestone - copper sulphate (copper sulfate in US spelling)

  Bluo - a blue laundry additive, an optical brightener

  Boot (car) - trunk (car)

  Bonnet (car) - hood (car)

  Bore - a drilled water well

  Budgie smugglers (variant: budgy smugglers) - named after the Aussie native bird, the budgerigar. A slang term for brief and tight-fitting men’s swimwear

  Bugger! - as an expression of surprise, not a swear word

  Bugger - as in “the poor bugger” - refers to an unfortunate person (not a swear word)

  Bunging it on - faking something, pretending

  Bush telegraph - the grapevine, the way news spreads by word of mouth in the country

  Car park - parking lot

  Cark it - die

  Chooks - chickens

  Come good - turn out okay

  Copper, cop - police officer

  Coot - silly or annoying person

  Cream bun - a sweet bread roll with copious amounts of cream, plus jam (= jelly in US) in the centre

  Crook - 1. “Go crook (on someone)” - to berate them. 2. (someone is) crook - (someone is) ill. 3. Crook (noun) - a criminal

  Demister (in car) - defroster

  Drongo - an idiot

  Dunny - an outhouse, a toilet, often ramshackle

  Fair crack of the whip - a request to be fair, reasonable, just

  Flannelette (fabric) - cotton, wool, or synthetic fabric, one side of which has a soft finish.

  Flat out like a lizard drinking water - very busy

  Galah - an idiot

  Garbage - trash

  G’day - Hello

  Give a lift (to someone) - give a ride (to someone)

  Goosebumps - goose pimples

  Gumboots - rubber boots, wellingtons

  Knickers - women’s underwear

  Laundry (referring to the room) - laundry room

  Lamingtons - iconic Aussie cakes, square, sponge, chocolate-dipped, and coated with desiccated coconut. Some have a layer of cream and strawberry jam (= jelly in US) between the two halves.

  Lift - elevator

  Like a stunned mullet - very surprised

  Mad as a cut snake - either insane or very angry

  Mallee bull (as fit as, as mad as) - angry and/or fit, robust, super strong.

  Miles - while Australians have kilometres these days, it is common to use expressions such as, “The road stretched for miles,” “It was miles away.”

  Moleskins - woven heavy cotton fabric with suede-like finish, commonly used as working wear, or as town clothes

  Mow (grass / lawn) - cut (grass / lawn)

  Neenish tarts - Aussie tart. Pastry base. Filling is based on sweetened condensed milk mixture or mock cream. Some have layer of raspberry jam (jam = jelly in US). Topping is in two equal halves: icing (= frosting in US), usually chocolate on one side, and either lemon or pink or the other.

  Pub - The pub at the south of a small town is often referred to as the ‘bottom pub’ and the pub at the north end of town, the ‘top pub.’ The size of a small town is often judged by the number of pubs - i.e. “It’s a three pub town.”

  Red cattle dog - (variant: blue cattle dog usually known as a ‘blue dog’) - referring to the breed of Australian Cattle Dog. However, a ‘red dog’ is usually a red kelpie (another breed of dog)

  Shoot through - leave

  Shout (a drink) - to buy a drink for someone

  Skull (a drink) - drink a whole drink without stopping

  Stone the crows! - an expression of surprise

  Takeaway (food) - Take Out (food)

  Toilet - also refers to the room if it is separate from the bathroom

  Torch - flashlight

  Tuck in (to food) - to eat food hungr
ily

  Ute /Utility - pickup truck

  Vegemite - Australian food spread, thick, dark brown

  Wardrobe - closet

  Windscreen - windshield

  * * *

  Indigenous References

  Bush tucker - food that occurs in the Australian bush

  Koori - the original inhabitants/traditional custodians of the land of Australia in the part of NSW in which this book is set. Murri are the people just to the north. White European culture often uses the term, Aboriginal people.

  Chapter 1

  My phone rang, the ringtone a repetition of the mournful hymn: ‘In Sin I Wander’d Sore and Sad.’ I swung around, irritated. Mum had changed my ringtone again when I wasn’t looking. For somebody who barely knew how to turn on a computer, she could sure do tech when she was motivated.

  Her voice blared down the phone. “Laurel, I have Irish ancestors! Ian showed me how to work the ancestor website.”

  “Hello, Mum. Well, that’s good news. I’m glad I have Irish ancestors.”

  Mum huffed. “You don’t have Irish ancestors, Laurel. I do.”

  I wasn’t about to explain it to her. I pulled a face, both at her comment and at the mention of Ian, Mum’s particularly irksome and much younger church friend. I was about to hang up, when she added, “Come here right now. Remember I rented a room to that nice man, Dylan Jackson? He just called to say he’d be a day early. Come over and help me get his room ready.”

  “Okay.” I hung up. The so-called nice man, Dylan Jackson, was well known around town. He had an eye for the ladies and liked to party hard. He now lived in Sydney, but people in this town still spoke about him, so great was his infamy. In fact, his brother had refused to allow him to stay with him, which is why Dylan was renting a room from Mum for the duration of his visit.

  I jumped at the loud thunderclap. I pushed the pile of papers across my desk and walked to look out the window at the two sheep grazing happily in the paddock opposite my office. The grass was dry and parched. I hoped the thunderstorm would bring some decent rain.

  I grabbed an umbrella and had only taken a single step out of the front door of the funeral home when I heard the screech of tyres on gravel. The sound was coming from Mum’s house. I turned in that direction, but before I had gone five paces, Ian’s car sped past me. Even from the distance, I could see Ian’s face was deathly white and his jaw was hanging open.

  I shook my head and headed for Mum’s house which, unfortunately for me, adjoined my property. When I moved back to Witch Woods, I had lived in my old bedroom but was soon able to finish the apartment above the funeral home and move in there. Still, it wasn’t far enough away from my mother.

  I put up the umbrella to ward off the faint raindrops and jumped when another thunderclap reverberated close by. When I reached the house, Mum was nowhere to be seen, but her front door was wide open. I thought it strange that Ian hadn’t even bothered to shut it. I walked into the living room and saw Ian’s phone on the floor.

  As I crossed over to pick it up, I could hear Mum’s voice. I looked at the phone and nearly dropped it in shock.

  “Mum, your phone is on Facetime!” I said in disbelief.

  She did not respond to that but simply asked, “Where’s Ian?”

  “He’s driven away. What happened?” Even as I spoke the words, it dawned on me.

  Mum was still talking. “Ian and I were quoting our favourite scriptures about sinners to one another, as we like to do, when I needed a bathroom break.”

  “Mum, your phone’s on Facetime!” I said again in horror before having the presence of mind to flip it off.

  “Stop repeating yourself, Laurel!” she said. “That’s got nothing to do with it. I asked you where Ian is.”

  “That has everything to do with it,” I told her. “While you and Ian were quoting scriptures to each other on your phones, you accidentally flipped your phone to Facetime and Ian could see everything.” I shut my eyes tightly and then added, “Everything.”

  I heard my mother’s sharp intake of breath. She hung up. I didn’t want to wait around to be the object of her wrath so dropped Ian’s phone back on the coffee table and hurried to the door. I almost felt sorry for Ian, as much as I disliked him. When the ghost of a punk rocker had recently possessed Mum, she—or rather, the ghost—had flashed a murderer in an attempt to distract him, and Ian had come through the door at the wrong time.

  That, coupled with what Ian had just seen, was probably enough to keep him in a terrible state for a long time.

  I was only half way back to the funeral home when I heard Mum’s screeching tones. “Laurel! Laurel!”

  I sighed and turned. I figured I might as well go back and get the earful I was expecting. Before I reached her, I heard a car behind me. Surely Ian wouldn’t come back so soon for his phone? He was probably halfway to Sydney by now.

  The car pulled up, and a man got out. I summed him up quickly: looked as though he was out of the eighties: thick gold chain around his neck, white shirt open to the waist, denim jacket, too-tight jeans, a bushy, Magnum-style moustache.

  He sauntered over to me and seized my hand just as Mum arrived upon the scene. “You must be Laurel,” he said, smiling widely and looking me up and down. “What a shame we never met.” I snatched my hand from him. He turned to Mum. “And you must be Laurel’s sister? Where’s Thelma?”

  She smiled from ear to ear. “Actually, I’m Thelma.”

  The man gasped. “Impossible! You must have been married very young.” He turned to me. “I’m Dylan Jackson. Your mother has told me all about you over the phone. Maybe we could have dinner?” He winked.

  Another crack of thunder prevented my reply.

  The man clutched at his stomach. “I haven’t been feeling well all day.” He leant back against his car.

  My mother hurried over to him. “I will pray for you.” Before I could stop her, she grabbed the man by his shoulders. “Out, foul spirit of sickness!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

  He jumped away from her in terror. A gust of wind lifted my umbrella out of my hands. I turned to run after it and presently retrieved it from Mum’s garden bed. When I looked back at the car park, Mum was still gripping the man’s arm. “Out, foul demon of sickness!” she screeched again.

  The man clutched his stomach and bent over.

  “The demon is leaving him and his sickness is going,” Mum called to me in a triumphant tone. “If he doesn’t watch Masterchef or listen to anything but gospel music, he should remain demon-free.”

  I stood there, not knowing what to do. I figured I should try to do something, but when she was on a roll, there was no stopping her. “Mum…” I began a tentative tone, when a flash of lightning boomed overhead at precisely the same time as a deafening crack of thunder. It must have struck something near me. The umbrella blew over my face as the smell of burning hit me.

  I pulled the umbrella off my head, but Mum and Dylan Jackson were no longer standing where they had been seconds earlier.

  That’s when I saw them both lying on the ground, and they both looked dead.

  Chapter 2

  “Mum!” I hurried over to her and shook her arm. She did indeed look dead. The man moved a little and groaned.

  I pulled my phone from my pocket and called 000. “My mother’s dead! And a man was struck by lightning too. He needs help!” I yelled into the phone. I gave them the address and then hung up before calling Basil. Before he had a chance to speak, I yelled, “Basil! Mum’s dead!”

  I hung up on him too. I was about to start CPR when Ernie materialised in front of me. He came straight to the point. “I have some bad news for you, Laurel. I don’t know quite how to tell you this, but I think the sooner you know, the better.”

  I pointed to my mother. “I already know, Ernie!”

  Ernie floated over to me. “No, I’m sorry, Laurel. You don’t understand.”

  I fought back a wave of hysteria. “Yes, I do! My mother’s d
ead!”

  “No, that’s not it,” Ernie said with a groan. “And CPR won’t work. I saw it all happen. I was standing there when they got struck by lightning. I’ve heard about this before, but I’ve never seen it for myself, not until now. Ghosts talk, you know.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Laurel, your mother hasn’t gone.”

  The realisation suddenly struck me. Of course! Mum was now a ghost! I clutched my cheeks with both hands, and I realised my mouth was forming a perfect O. “She’s a ghost!” I said in terror. “She’s going to haunt me! Forever!”

  Ernie shook his head solemnly. “It’s worse than that.”

  I looked at Ernie in shock. “How could anything be worse than that?”

  Ernie floated above me. “I really don’t know how to tell you this.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Just come straight out and tell me, Ernie. And please don’t float.”

  “Okay, when your mother was struck by lightning, that man died at the same time.”

  Was the whole world going mad? I held up both hands to the sky. “No, he’s alive.”

  “He’s only alive because your mother’s spirit possessed him.”

  At this point, I wondered if I was dreaming. Yes, that was it. I was having a nightmare, one of those dreams that seems real. You’re sure you’re not dreaming, that is, until you wake up. I shut my eyes tightly and willed myself awake. When I opened my eyes, to my dismay, it hadn’t worked.

  Ernie was still hovering in front of me. “I’ve heard of this before,” he continued. “If two people die at the very same instant, sometimes the spirit of one will go into the other and that act keeps the possessed person alive and well.”